**

In short, this BOND film is almost a complete disaster. The only thing that saves it from total mediocrity is the performance by Sean Connery. His portrayal of Agent 007 is one of his best, for he seems to be enjoying himself immensely here. Maybe it's because of the huge 1.25 million dollar salary he's commanding for this BOND film -- the price for his return to the role. Because of this the rest of the film suffers greatly: the supporting cast, the script, the special effects, etc. It all looks astonishingly cheap up on the big screen. Another shocking item is that the director is none other than Guy Hamilton, who helmed my favorite BOND film, GOLDFINGER. The keen skill he showed before is completely absent in this film, unfortunately. About the only thing Hamilton directs well besides Connery is Blofeld's white Persian cat. If you're a fan of the white cat from SPECTRE, this is the Bond film for you. However, just like the gratuitous idiocy involved with Blofeld appearing in a female disguise, overall DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER is really quite a drag.

The opening of this BOND film seems very promising at first. James Bond doesn't fully appear on the screen initially, but he is clearly heard. In this pre-credit sequence, 007 is acting like an avenging angel of sorts. He is seeking the whereabouts of Ernst Stavro Blofeld with grim determination for he wants revenge for the murder of his wife. When Connery finally emerges as Bond while delivering that famous signature phrase, it is both a pleasant surprise and a shock. Although it is great to see him back in his most famous role, Connery has, unfortunately, allowed himself to become somewhat haggard looking. At the time of production, Connery was only 40, but here he appears to be a man in his middle fifties! There is a definite paunch, heavier facial creases and some graying in the sideburns. Despite all of this, Sean Connery still manages to come across as a most vital and strong Agent 007 -- witness that savage fight in the elevator between Bond and Peter Franks.

Guy Hamilton, however, is not at the peak of his powers. The cool finesse he displayed back in 1964 with GOLDFINGER is nowhere to be found here. It seems that he especially relishes the fact that the rest of the BOND filmmakers have devolved the BOND formula into a series of visual jokes. It's all a very tired and sophomoric set of film stunts and gags. The screenplay is definitely more Tom Mankiewicz than Richard Maibaum. Granted, the Fleming novel is one of the weakest in the series. But this whole diamond generated laser satellite stuff is utter nonsense and isn't Fleming material. Witness how the script has 007 infiltrate Blofeld's oil rig based command center: it's definitely not the epitome of ingenuity to simply parachute down inside a specialized balloon and then immediately get captured. Once again the audience has been completely forgotten and a rather contemptible attitude towards story and plot development continues to dominant while the Ian Fleming BOND style is completely ignored.

The original plan for DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER was to have Gert Frobe return as the villain: as Auric Goldfinger's twin brother! But once this was dropped and it was decided to bring Blofeld back, Bond was supposed to get his revenge satisfied by strangling his arch enemy's neck with his bare hands. Either one of these scenarios would have improved things tremendously. Instead, the revenge plot is abandoned and silly hijinks are put in its place. To put it more bluntly, the so-called comedy here is extremely lame. It is as insipid as Putter Smith's Mister Kidd : he must have been hired as a favor to somebody ( this is the only rational explanation ). On a similar note, TIME magazine dubbed Jill St. John's acting talents as among the world's worst. Still, she sure looks great in a bathing suit! But I digress ....

Just keep repeating to yourself, "This is the BOND film Connery decided to do instead of ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE." I don't know about the rest of you out there but this fact alone reduces me to tears. I was only in the sixth grade when I went to this film at the time of its original release, but I instantly recognized a dog when I saw one. I turned to my girlfriend and said that the BOND films were getting worse. Things didn't get any better with either of the next two BOND film installments, just as I had predicted. Guy Hamilton would continue to be the director and Richard Maibaum's screen writing efforts would continue to be jettisoned and replaced with inane hack work by others. Oh, the humanity! This is why I always refer affectionately to Hamilton's three consecutive BOND films as his own "Trilogy of Trash." DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER was only the first chapter. Now on to Chapter Two --